If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Randomize
