Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Pants 0. Shit 1.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
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