How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
