There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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