I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
