So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Randomize
