my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Houston, we have a blender
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
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