forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
foreskin is a definite game changer
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
