I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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