It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize
