made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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