Can i not drive my cunt home
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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