he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
