the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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