if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
