I seem to have left my pride at pride
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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