I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I checked into jail on foursquare
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
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