we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Randomize
