it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
