she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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