I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
