It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
This is my gift to your gina
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
