he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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