you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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