How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize