What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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