Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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