If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
