A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Randomize