today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
