I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
