I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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