I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
