I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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