I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Randomize
