well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
