Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
