It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Randomize
