Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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