fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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