Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
