I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
