He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
