I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
