If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
