i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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