Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
