Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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