I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
