My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
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