My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
so how do you plan on seducing my econ TA?
by telling him that he has a large supply and that i demand it...in my mouth. it shows him that i'm slutty and that i pay attention in econ
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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