I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Every concussion has its silver lining
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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