I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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