i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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