After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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