mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
