3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
