Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
