If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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