maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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