I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
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