the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
