i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
