i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Randomize
