I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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